Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You

Kross’s foundational insight is that emotions serve as essential navigational tools, not problems to overcome. The evidence from Kross’s work with Navy SEALs shows that top performers embrace their full emotional spectrum rather than trying to suppress negative feelings. Instead of labeling anxiety, sadness, or anger as weaknesses to eliminate, he therefore urges readers to treat them as valuable data points signaling what matters to them. For instance, someone who feels anxious before a presentation might recognize it as a sign that they care about performing well and then channel that energy productively by devoting extra attention to their work, ensuring that they have all the materials they need and perhaps rehearsing their presentation beforehand. Similarly, those who find that sadness persists after a relationship ends can view it as information about what they valued in that connection. Watching for two key indicators, excessive intensity (disproportionate reactions) and unusual duration (emotions that linger inappropriately long), can help individuals distinguish between “normal” emotional responses and those requiring intervention.

Kross advocates abandoning the “myth of universal approach” that suggests confronting difficult emotions is always superior to avoiding them (81). Research after 9/11 by psychologist George Bonanno found that the most resilient people weren’t those who exclusively confronted or avoided emotions but rather those who could do either depending on circumstances.